The first time I saw a therapist I was 18 or 19 years old. I decided it was time to start dealing with my fathers death. He passed when I was 14, so I was overdue. At the time, I was dating my boyfriend at the time, (we broke up a year later). He had cheated on me a few times and in the process of trying to move on from that, I understandably so, developed trust issues. Which I believed stemmed from feeling as though my father abandoned me (not by his choice though).
I tried a few different therapists. 3 to be exact over the course of the year. The first reminded me too much of my mother. The second, asked me what I would diagnose myself with, which I found disrespectful. And the third was pleasant but I realized I didn’t need her anymore, so I left. I was happy. I learned how to trust, I wasn’t depressed about my father’s death, and I focused on the positive.
I saw the fourth therapist after my boyfriend and I broke up (after a 4 year relationship). I wouldn’t say I became depressed, but I became lost. I had identified as a girlfriend for so long, I forgot who I was, and who I wanted to be. I saw her a few times, and felt I had moved on.
More recently, (2 days ago), I met a new therapist. –I don’t think I could ever go back to an old therapist. First, they wouldn’t remember me, and I’d have to start over again anyway. But secondly, I don’t like familiar things. I like change and I don’t like habits.
I had my initial meeting with my new therapist, as I said, two days ago. This time around, I realized I have been depressed, anxious, and overwhelmed, but without a reason why. Normally there is an event, my fathers death, the breakup, that starts the round of depression. This time, there wasn’t anything.
And that, is what is so hard for me to accept. I do hope to learn how to cope with lack of control.
How have you learned to deal with lack of control?
I’d love to know.