I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching these days. In the past, that has made me do some unorthodox things. Nothing to get your panties in a bunch about. I’ve thrown away all of my clothes and went on a shopping spree. I’ve gone through pictures I’ve posted or stored on my phone or in photo albums and deleted negative memories. All actions that, after thinking intensely about where I want my life to be, allowed me to take steps toward completing some goals.
I’ve also been reading a lot more these days. Many books. First and foremost a book titled “You are a Badass,” a self help book I received as a gift for my birthday just weeks ago. This book inspired me to stop letting social media distract me. It also forced me to set goals and start working towards them. Next was a book written by Jack Kerouac, a Lowell native I’ve been reading over the years. It was about him and a relationship he had with a Mexican prostitute and drug addict. And lastly, I just picked up a book I started months ago, “Gone Girl.” Yes. Gone Girl. Like the movie. If you haven’t seen it, or read the book, I suggest it 100%. I don’t know why I ever stopped reading it.
To get to my whole point of this blog and why I titled it the way I did…. I’ve learned a lot through reading books about empowered women. All three books included reading about a specific woman, hearing a woman’s perspective and thoughts, and finding my inner womanly strength. Filling your day and your mind with strong women examples, does something to your thought process; to your psyche. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am, and will always be an independent and thriving woman. I don’t believe marriage is something that I want. In fact, I believe that it takes away from relationships. I believe that it takes my independent, thriving womanly strength down a notch. And that is unacceptable.
Although I do see benefits and reasons why others dream of their “big day,” I would enjoy a day of celebration for myself. A day when I decide to love myself til death do I part. A day that I promise and vow to be honest to myself, to love in sickness and in health.
I believe that not only my new opinions on marriage have affected my thought process, I also believe that past experiences influence my desire to come up with a decision. My parents were always married, until the day death took my father away. But I don’t believe they were ever happy. I see my sister married to a man she’s known for 14 years, and yet is now repulsed by his name. I see my past self, reducing myself to a body to be used, just to see some ounce of affection. I see my brother married, yearning for a child, but having to compromise his life due to vows to his wife.
I see pain. I see pain everyday in my work as a counselor. I have seen pain when I look into my own eyes after defiling my body by sex. I see a decision to be made. I see that loving yourself is first and foremost. I see that this is cause for celebration. I see that marriage is a tradition that I will not follow.