I put my heart into everything I do, and everyone I meet. This has allowed me to help so many people and be involved in numerous events. But not once has it allowed me to love myself. And in this very moment, that is exactly what is going to save my life.
I need to refocus my attention back to myself. I need to be selfish. Which is an incredibly difficult task for me to complete. You see. I believe in my past life, I was an empath. And I believe that some of my old empathetic habits have transferred over into my current life. Great stuff. Except I’m drowning.
I am drowning in the sea of emotions that I have always felt yet never focused on. They were always floating in the background of my minds ocean waiting for their turn. I have always helped others before myself, and for this I am grateful. But these emotions are flooding my heart. Flooding my brain, my thoughts, my every move.
I need to be selfish. And I am deciding that this is my only option left. And I am deciding it, in a non selfish way. I can’t help others to the extent that I have always been able to, if I am drowning in my own emotions.
It’s my time.
Today has been a roller coaster. Mostly downs, due to trying to handle these emotions that have swept me away. It’s dealing with my sisters divorce, the holidays without my brother in law, the man who I fell in love with who does not feel the same, how I know I need to walk away, how theres a man who treats me right and I can’t give my heart to him because I left it with someone who doesn’t care, how I’m getting a promotion and can’t even handle my current position, how I DROPPED MY SPAGHETTI IN THE PARKING LOT, and how I then DROPPED my crockpot on my kitchen floor causing glass shards to fly all over the place………. etc etc etc.
It’s time to be selfish. I realized this as I was sitting on my kitchen floor, sobbing about how all I wanted to do was make chili. And how those glass shards are incredibly tempting.
It’s time to be selfish. It’s time I start taking care of myself. Or there is going to be nothing of me left to love.