Afraid to Speak 

Those words have replayed in my head in the last few weeks, maybe months at this point. I’m finding it harder to keep track of time these days. It’s kind of a blur yet when I give in to the depths of time, I seem to remember every detail: where I was, who I was talking to, even what I was wearing. Those words have never touched my lips. Until now, they have only been letters floating around in my oceans mind, hard to really comprehend. 

“I want to die.” 

I’ve experienced pain on all levels, but never have I wanted to give up. “Pain doesn’t deserve to win,” I would say, “You are stronger than that.” I guess it all caught up with me and forced me to forget my own strength. 

There I was just a week before I uttered those words, sobbing on my kitchen floor, a shard of glass in my hand, with a decision to make. I wondered if I could recreate the emotional pain I have been feeling for years. That built up tension, fear and sadness represented by a fresh cut on my wrist..which has now disappeared into the darkness of my soul. 

“Be strong” they say. But I’ve never quite understood that advice until I spoke those words. Choosing life when all you want is to disappear, that is strength.

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